November 16, 2005
Unhappy Holidays
So Jimmy, what do you want for winter solstice?
In a relevatory public service announcement, Bill O'Reilly recently did research (let's be honest - the staff did the research) on stores that will not be using the words "Merry Christmas" in their upcoming advertising. Which would, I reckon, not be a problem, were these stores not marketing items for Christmas gifts.
Christmas is now the holiday that dare not speak it's name.
Yes, apparently, the malls will be filled with Holiday shoppers looking for Holiday gifts during these stores Holiday sales.
Let's get this straight - these stores will be selling everything from Christmas trees to Christmas ornaments to the Christmas gifts to be nestled underneath said Tannenbaum without actually mentioning Christmas. In fact, it's likely the only holiday sale where they don't actually name the holiday, instead giving us this euphemism of "happy holidays", which they don't trot out any other holiday of the year...
I plan to attend a Holiday sale at one of these stores. I wonder if the exchange might go something like this...
Can I help you sir?
Yes, thanks, alot of people here huh?
Yes, well it IS the holidays, and we're having our Holiday Sale.
Yes, I see, I need some colored dye.
Colored dye?
Yes, for eggs.
Dye to color eggs?
Yeah, you guys are having a holiday sale, right?
Yes, but we only carry that around Easte-
Okay, forget the dye - I need a costume.
Ah, yes, a Santa Cl-
A Pokemon costume. Or a witch. Or Donald Trump.
I'm sorry, we only have those around Hallow-
Okay, nevermind, I need some small flags.
Flags sir?
Yeah, flags, red, white, blue, come on, you have -
Sir we only carry those around Independ-
Okay, FINE, I'll settle for one of those heart shaped boxes of candy.
Candy, yes, well we have candy -
Good!
- but not in a heart shaped box.
Okay, what shape is the box?
Um, well, a boot.
A BOOT?
Well, yes, a stocking to be more precise...
I don't need a BOOT, I need a heart, what is -
Sir, we only carry the heart shaped boxes around Valentin-
Okay, now look lady, you SAID you were having a holiday sale -
We are!
- okay, so where is the damned colored dye?!?!?
That's Easter.
Isn't Easter a Holiday?
Yes, but not THIS holiday.
Well then what Holiday are you selling things for?
Well, we aren't supposed to say precisely, sir -
Aren't SUPPOSED TO SAY? Is this a game?
No, sir, we...here, do you see those green trees with lights?
Yes...
Okay, well that's a hint - it's the holiday where you get a tree, and -
You're having a bloody Arbor Day sale?
NO, sir, PLEASE, think of an old Man -
New Years?
NO, sir, red costume -
Costume? Halloween? We just had...
NO, SIR, think brightly colored -
EGGS!
LIGHTS! SIR, not Easter, we only sell those on Easter! Think baby -
NEW YEAR!
JESUS!
Christmas?
YES, CHRISTMAS!
Sorry, I bought my Christmas gifts where they were having Christmas sales...
Someone better be sure to tell these stores what the root of the word 'holiday' is...
Posted by MEC2 at November 16, 2005 06:49 PM | TrackBack