"Iraq's new Prime Minister asked President Bush to hand over Saddam Hussein by the June 30th deadline this week. Whoa whoa - sounds like sombody's already forgotten he's the head of a puppet regime..."
"Portraits of Bill and Hillary Clintont were unveiled at the White House on Monday. Now the cool thing about Bill's portrait - it starts to grin when the Hillary portrait isn't around..."
Bonus French Joke
"Government officials in France debuted the country's first driverless bus this week. The bus, equipped with electromagnetic sensors, has just two gears - forward and reverse, or as it's known in France, 'retreat'..."
"The number of new people signing up for unemployment benefits rose last week - but hey, at least they got to meet the CIA's George Tenet standing in line..."
"Industry analysts say that Bill Clinton's new book may outsell all other books of it's kind. While it's being described as a real page-turner, take your time folks - a couple of those pages might be stuck together."
"MTV announced plans this week to launch a new network for gay viewers... the new gay network is expected to get high ratings becase now that gay people are getting married, they're turning on the TV every night so they won't have to talk to each other..."
A double shot today, seeing as it's... oh two weeks in coming...
(Referring to George Bush's bike accident)
"When learning about the crash Kerry asked "Did they take the training wheels off?' Yeah, nice. Hey John at least his wife didn't have to buy the bike for him."
"Beginning this week John Kerry and his campaign staff will be travelling on a new customized airplane. The plane features two conference tables, eight phone lines, and seat backs that, like Kerry himself, are capable of assuming an infinite number of positions."
"President Bush formally nominated Alan Greenspan for a 5th term as Federal Reserve chairman. Greenspan has recently been ailing due to an enlarged prostate, but says he's feeling much better after a quarter point hike in interest rates slowed the prostate's growth..."
"The Mexican government has released video of what could be a UFO... wow, aliens invading Mexico. Payback's a bitch eh compadre?"
"The Federal Election Committee has cut off government financing for the Al Sharpton Presidential Campaign because he exceeded the personal spending limit of $50,000 - yeah, like that's gonna stop the Sharpton White House juggernaut...
In a related story, the manager of a West Covina apartment complex shut off the sprinkler that Dennis Kucinich was using to wash his hair."
"Mercedes Benz passenger cars may soon be built in China. Mercedes has been making cars in South Carolina but has had trouble getting used to the strange language and customs of the local people there..."
"The government is expected to recommend this week that doctors switch to another antibiotic for treating gonorrhea because of an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of the sexually transmitted disease. You can read more about it in... Bill Clinton's new book."
"Abortion rights activists held a massive rally in Washington, D.C. this weekend. The event was marked by speeches, marches, and face painting... for what would have been thousands of kids..."
"The White House held it's annual Easter egg roll on Sunday; the traditional Easter egg hunt portion of the event was cancelled however, because the Administration didn't want to yet again be accused of hiding something..."
"A clothing company in Washington state has installed labels in its apparel with washing instructions in English, but a part in French reads 'we're sorry our President is an idiot, we didn't vote for him'. Well, ya know that would be an effective way of communicating with French people - that is of course (if) they ever washed their clothes."
Expect worthy lines from the Dennis Miller show on CNBC to appear here after broadcast. It's the best biting political comedy around.
Our first entry:
"President Bush threw the ceremonial first pitch for the St. Louis Cardinals on Monday. Out of force of habit, John Kerry criticized the President for launching a strike without first seeking UN approval..."